I've started this post many times and can't quite find the right words. Ended up just typing a bunch of disorganized rambling thoughts.
It has to do with me....as a mother and a parent....and in particular a mother and parent to my daughter.
My Olivia.
She's our oldest and everything she does in our house is new to us. We've never seen or know to what to expect because she's our first born. This also means we are constantly working with a learning curve. (this also applies some to mason, but that's another whole post)
Olivia is a leader and likes to be in control. She tests her boundaries.. every.single.day. She is opinionated and dramatic and has tantrums. She's organized and orderly. She is studious (imagine that at age 4) and follows rules. Yes, even though she checks her boundaries she understands and knows rules. Guess what, the girl will not get out of bed for naps if you tell her she can't...seriously!??! She thrives, I MEAN THRIVES, on routines and expectations. Deviations from schedules, unfamiliar situations, and being tired or hungry or being told that it's time to leave with no warning WILL lead to undesirable behavior.
Bet that sounded like some other 3, 4 and 5 year olds?!?
So I'm starting to realize, the "issue" at hand is not so much with Olivia...as it is with ME.
I'm embarrassed by her behavior. Yes, I finally admitted it.
I'm embarrassed, and when I get embarrassed, I get worked up and overreact and I'm might be a little dramatic. HA - so there it is!!! Now there is a 4 year old and a 33 year old both overreacting. Which one is worse????
She is sooo big
...and yet, she is still little.
Yes, she is my oldest and so I have the "expectations" of her and I've got to try harder to remember....
She is only 4.
I was in college longer than she's been alive.
Olivia is a really good kid. I know that. She surprises me daily with the things she says and does. She makes me laugh and smile and brings tears to my eyes (happy tears) at the most random moments. I know we've got a really
cool kid.
But, those amazing cool moments flash in front of my face when we witness something less pleasing...and I wonder what happened. And it's during those unpleasant moments that I forget, she's 4...and I overreact :( She is learning everyday how to handle situations. She is learning by my example...is that a good thing?
But in reality, is her behavior really that shocking? Remember??? She is just 4.
Recently I've been thinking about her personality.
I'm worried that I'm squishing it. I'm trying to conform her into this mold that's not "her".
I'm a people pleaser. I like to do almost whatever others want, just to make them happy. But related to this, I don't even know what I want sometimes....I just want others to be happy. Currently, I can't decide what furniture to put in my living room because everyone has a different opinion and I don't even know what I want! But Olivia, knows exactly what she wants...and I don't want to squash that. She's particular about certain things... I've been trying to work on her temper and reaction to various situations. There is yelling and screaming crossing her arms, ugly faces, and stomping her feet. I often correct her about that behavior...but is it necessary? I mean, how many 18 year olds at the grocery store do you see acting like that? Or do you really see people acting like that in the workforce? She probably won't do it into adulthood...right? So why am I focusing so much on this now?
Is it really necessary to correct every single thing that happens?
I'm learning that it's not.
Guess what 4 year olds LOVE to say? Potty words... I mean love it.
pee, fart, poop, any and every version of poo...including songs that go "pooooo poooooo...."
Recently, I made the decision "correct it" and say that we are only saying those words in the bathroom. While I stand by that expectation, looking back, I'm realizing that if I had just not made a big deal about it, the potty word phase would probably pass. But instead, I've now created a potty word disaster. The kids are tattling, being sneaky, and pushing my buttons about it.
Stop this endless incoherent post Andrea! Which means, I'm ending it with poo.
Love.
below are excerpts from blog post that really resonated with me...
Nothing has ever turned a mirror on my true self like motherhood. I have never been more aware of my strengths and weaknesses as a mother, a woman, and a role model. As Everly grows from a toddler into a preschooler, she is beginning to not only call me out on these things but to model the very best and worst of my behaviours.
.....
1. I am slowly learning to find satisfaction in allowing an experience be what it is instead of feeling disappointed that it is not what I imagined it would be. More often that not, I will build up this idea in my head about an experience that I am planning for our family. My optimism creates this ideal about how things should go and the reality is that life with two toddlers is very unpredictable. Rarely do things go as planned - I am learning to not only accept this but to try to find the good in it.
2. I need to practice patience more. The age of two has a famous reputation for being difficult but in my experience, two was a pleasure. Three is where the real drama of toddlerhood begins. Raising a three year old is often so ridiculous that I find my self short tempered with Everly. My natural instinct is to hold her to an adult level of reasoning. I have to constantly remind myself that she is acting this way because she is not yet emotionally developed enough to express her fear or frustrations or even excitement in reasonable ways. It is really, really hard to stay calm if she is kicking or screaming or acting out over something as small as what shoes to put on before we leave the house or which of her parents she wants to remove her from the bathtub at night. Some days it feels like the tantrums never end.
......
4. I’m so fearful of raising disrespectful kids.
.....
9. Despite feeling unprepared sometimes, I also feel immense pride in this little girl that Brent and I are raising. She is so friendly and kind to other children, shares freely, lavishes us with affection and speaks openly about what she loves and fears and wants and dreams. She is protective and sweet to her brother and delights us daily with her wild imagination and expressive dancing and fearless approach to life. I can sometimes see her emotional growth as she works through her feelings of frustration or even remorse for her actions as she tries to harness all the new things her mind is soaking in. Every day with her is a microcosm of all the most beautiful and challenging parts of human nature. In whatever stage we may experience her - at her sweetest or most ferocious, Brent and I take the credit. She is ours and we will always be proud of that.
......
So often I feel as if I’m stumbling along. That often our successes are just purely by luck. As Everly grows, I am discovering that it’s a vulnerable process for both of us - she is learning to harness and control the flood of emotion that comes with age and discovery and I am learning to harness my fears and doubts in my abilities to do right by her. We mess up. We feel embarrassed. We regret the way we reacted. My journey to maturity is just as long as hers…
In my limited experience, it appears that being three years old and being the mother of a three year old are more similar than we might assume. We are both becoming more aware of who we really are. We highlight each other’s mistakes and we fight overwhelming frustration at times. We both love hard and fall often and seek each other’s arms for comfort. We cry and we laugh and we grow. We are a reflection of each other. Intertwined in our strengths and weaknesses. We are imperfect, but learning, together.
.JPG)
